Over the weekend I saw at least two memes on social media talking about spanking. The one that REALLY got me read, “my parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as ‘respect for others.’” This belief has two really big problems with it. One, it assumes that that spanking kids is a good thing. It also suggests that children who are spanked develop increased respect for others. I think these memes should be required to cite their sources—and no, I don’t mean “as believed by this faithful believer in Facebook memes!” What was just as interesting is that, when I searched for this meme on the web, I found the same one with thumbs up and thumbs down voting buttons. And this was as disturbing to me as the meme itself. For this meme there were 2379 thumbs up and 998 thumbs down. Of the 3,377 people who chose to vote on the sentiment, over 70%, said to themselves, “yep . . . for sure . . . kids need to be hit in order to whip ‘em into shape.” You’ve likely seen dozens of memes, social media posts, and direct statements from devout believers in spanking that the problem with kids today is that they just aren’t hit enough; they need to be hit to keep them in line!
I know there are a lot of people out there who like to dismiss research—rather, it seems that there are people out there who like to pick and choose the research they believe in based upon their preferred habits, belief systems, and morals. So, in some ways I know that despite the huge, vast, amount of incredibly credible research that denounces any benefits of spanking kids there are going to be those that stand their ground, saying, “I don’t know . . . I was hit as a kid and I turned out great.” —maybe one of the benefits of spanking is that the kids will turn out being unable to distinguish between and subjective reality.
So I thought I would talk a bit about the research that strongly points to spanking as entirely detrimental to kids—with no benefit whatsoever—at least no benefit that can’t be gained from other parenting approaches that DON’T have all of the negative consequences. Ok, so this is an important point . . . the reality is that any credible research out there supports the hypothesis that even if spanking can get parents the outcome they are looking for, it carries with it many enduring negative consequences to kids; and that it is very possible to get the same benefits—which really is compliance—we want our kids to comply with authority. But it is very possible that we parents can get our children to comply with authority using parenting approaches that actually add ADDITIONAL benefits with regard to our children’s emotional, psychological, and behavioral health.
What is Spanking?
Spanking is open handed hitting that doesn’t physically harm the child and is done with the purpose of modifying the child’s behavior—and this has been done for many generations. But in the past 10 years or so, as the evidence has accumulated, you will find no major professional organizations, including the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics, supporting the practice of hitting our kids in order to change their behavior. In fact, I implore you to send me one convincing article from a peer reviewed academic journal—kind of the gold standard in reporting research results—or one statement from a respected professional organization that supports the practice of spanking or hitting our kids. Guys, it doesn’t work! In fact, in one article from a journal called Child Development Perspectives in 2013, they found that spanking is actually associated with LESS compliance from our children and can actually cause our kids to act out more than they were before—they can actually become MORE aggressive than they were before. Now, I would imagine that the person who posted the meme supporting a link between being hit and being respectful is saying right now, “maybe it’s just that aggressive kids are more likely to be hit.” But research simply disproves that; in fact, aggressive behavior came first—this was quantitative research using a sample of almost 13,000 kids. That same person probably says, “well, I’ll tell you this . . . when hit them, they stop the behavior . . . “ Well, of course . . . you’re 10 times their size! They’re afraid, they’re powerless; you have taught them that they have zero control of what is happening to them. And here is something interesting . . . parents often hit their kids out of an angry reaction and after feeling like they don’t know what else to do; parents tend to hit their kids when they feel powerless. In fact, parents who are most likely to feel that they have little control of their environment are those parents who are most likely to have a predisposition to anxiety—predisposition suggests a gene-environment interaction . . . anxiety is genetic . . . and can easily be passed on to our kids. And when we put our anxious children in an environment in which they feel that they have very little control, they become even more anxious. When kids become anxious, especially boys, they become aggressive; they act out. So, what do we do? We hit them!
Hitting kids makes kids want to hit others. Simple as that. We can get more specific and begin identifying changes in the brain that result from spanking that are similar to those changes seen when children are yelled at and verbally abused. It can lead to increased aggressed aggression and to antisocial behavior and mental health problems.
Hitting Kids Doesn’t Work!
Hitting kids does not work. If you don’t believe me send me an email and I’ll forward all the well-respected, peer reviewed, articles you want. And yes, I know, most of it is correlational. We probably aren’t going to find causal evidence, because the interactions are too complex to really nail down a cause and effect model. So, the research is correlational. But the correlations are really high! Enough so to say that spanking our kids is a horrible form of discipline. It doesn’t work. It’s time to learn something new. I agree . . . learning new forms of disciplining our kids is not easy. But in this crazy world of unpredictability, in a world that is already incredibly anxiety provoking, we owe it to our kids to pull it together and do what’s right. Hitting, yelling, threatening . . . none of that works. I know, you’re thinking, “ok, just give them a time out . . . that’s soft parenting and that doesn’t work either . . . “ yes, it does! When does CORRECTLY time outs work very well in many situations. The problem with time outs is that very few parents use them correctly—that’s another discussion . . . in fact, I’ll talk about that next week in another true you short discussion.
